Hold Music

Cool! I saw an article in the LA Times about how the City of Seattle is using local bands to produce hold music for the city departments. The City government website even has a web page to tell you what band you are listening to and where to buy the music.

That has to be better than the usual elevator music crap that I have to endure on most holds.

I wish that government departments and companies that specialize in crappy customer service with long hold times would use a more flexible hold music system. I would like to be able to press 1 for pop, 2 for country, 3 for rap, 4 for news and weather, 5 for classical, 6 for rock, 7 for silence, etc. That way when I put my call on speaker phone so I can do other things while waiting for someone to bother to pick up the call, I could listen to what I want.

Speaking of hold music, I had an incident that still cracks me up. Once time back in Santa Barbara I had to call my local medical emergancy clinic to make an appointment. As usual, no one answers. Instead, you are put on hold in a queue. The song that was playing while I was on hold was REM's "Everybody Hurts". The lyrics were perfect...

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on...

I was rolling on the floor laughing when the receiptionist finally answered. I told her what song was playing for the hold music. She didn't get it.

Ah, but the best hold music "incident" was not even real. It was on The Simpsons season 3, episode #8F14, "Homer Alone". Marge left Homer at home in charge baby Maggie. He of course screws it all up and ends up loosing Maggie when she crawls off into town looking for Marge. When Homer realizes that Maggie is gone he calls The Department for Missing Babies. He is put on hold. The hold music is the 1968 The Equals hit "Baby Come Back". I still loose it whenever I see that joke on Simpsons reruns. Brilliant!

Sicko marrige contract

Wow. I stumbled across this little news story this weekend. This guy has way too much time on his hands!

I have only two words of warning for him, and any other men who think like he does...

Lorena Bobbitt!

non-Muslims forbidden to touch the Koran in Los Angeles

In today's LA Times, there is an article about a new muslim based "Muslim-American Homeland Security Congress". This is an organization about of muslims dedicated to fighting Islamic extremism with the American muslim comunity.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff is Lee Baca. He is one of the backers of this organization which was inspired by brainstorming sessions on how to prevent London Tube style attacks in Los Angeles.

Now here is the part of the article that I find both funny and deeply disturbing. In Culver City is the King Fahd Mosque. It is the largest mosques in LA. It is funded by the Saudi Royal family. The following incident took place there.

At one Culver City mosque, for instance, Baca said he was given a Koran by the imam and invited to read from it during an interfaith service after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. But he was approached by a man afterward who told him that non-Muslims such as him were forbidden to touch the Koran. "That's extremism at its worst," Baca said.

How in the hell are us infidels supposed to learn about his precious religion if we aren't even allow to pick up the book to read it? Talk about a chicken-n-egg situation (you know... which comes first, the chicken or the egg?). What if muslims left korans in hotel rooms like christians leave bibles? Does that mean we can't touch it?

*sigh*

GM kills the GTO

I see today that GM killed the GTO, their US version of the Australian Holden Monaro. I had predicted this in my blog back in July 2005 when GM launched the new GTO, and it went over like a lead balloon. GM is blaming this decision on the expense of redesigning it to meet federal air bag rules for 2007.

This is a sad day for the once mighty American automobile industry. The Germans, Japanese, and Koreans are eating their lunch. Now, they can't even succeed in ONE area where they have no real foreign competition, muscle cars. GM managed to defeat themselves. Wow.

The Monaro is a well respected and highly desired car here in Australia. If GM had just managed to leave well enough alone, they could have sold them in the US and made money. But noooo. Too many executive that need to justify their jobs put all their little changes in until the GTO was nothing like the Monaro that it was supposed to be.

I don't understand why GM has failed to notice that the German and Japanese car makers sell pretty much the same car at home as they do in the US. They don't produce a dumbed down and problem filled version of the Mercedes sedan, the BMW 525, the VW Jetta, the Toyota Corolla, or Honda Accord just for Americans. Nope. The Americans get the same quality automobile that the Germans and the Japanese get.

Pathetic.... just f**king pathetic.

Pickup Lines

• Did you fart? 'cause you blew me away.
• Are your parents retarded? 'cause you sure are special.
• My Love for you is like diarrhea... I can't hold it in.
• Do you have a library card? 'cause I'd like to sign you out.
• Is there a mirror in your pants? 'cause I can see myself in them.
• If you and I were squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.
• You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
• I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.
• I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
• Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
• If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
• Your face reminds me of a spanner*, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
• (man sniffs woman's neck). You smell great! You must have taken TWO baths today.

* Translation: "spanner" is Australian for wrench.

Hat tip to Robin. Thanks!

Scottish Personal Ads

• Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08
• Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03
• Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.
• Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by long-time fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41
• Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87
• Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential Box 12/32
• Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45
• Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard living in a damp cottage in the ass end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27
• Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07
• Attractive brunette, Maryhill area, winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub, Maryhill, in September 1978, seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry, for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records. Please, Please! Box 30/41
• Govan man, 27, medium build, square heid, big moustache and curly hair, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm

Naked trek across the UK

Saw a little news story today. An Englishman and his girlfriend finished their nude walk of length of the UK, from bottom to top. They left from Land's End (southwest tip of England) in June 2005 and arrived yesterday (Feb 2006) at John O' Groates, the northern most tip of Scotland.

I've been to Scotland and to John O'Groates. Walking around nude in that place in January and February is insane! They are lucky that they didn't freeze off their naughty bits.

Read Story Here

'O Homem Que Copiava' ('The Man Who Copied')

Late last night on SBS TV I caught a wonderful little Brazlian film called 'O Homem Que Copiava' . Translation, 'The Man Who Copied'. It is funny, and dark and humerous love story really. I highly recommend it as a good rental. It is in Portuguese, so you have to read the subtitles.

It is about Andre, a young man in Brazil who works at a photocopy shop and is struggleing to make ends meet and make himself a life. He is secretly in love with a neighbor, but can not afford to take her out. One day his boss buys the business a new laser color copier, and Andre discovers that he has the skills to make a passable copy of a $50 note. He starts with one copy, and his life spins out of control. The film has so many twists that, honestly, you will never be able to guess what happens next. A very funny and refreshing film.

André (Lazaro Ramos), 19, lives in Porto Alegre, Brazil, and works as a photocopier. His prize possession is a pair of binoculars that he uses to spy on Silvia (Leandra Leal), the girl of his dreams, in a neighbouring apartment. He sets out to court her, a task made extremely difficult by lack of money. Falling more and more in love with her, he begins to follow her around the city and realises she works in a clothing shop. In desperation for cash, André decides to use the photocopier to make a copy of a brand new fifty dollar bill in order to buy a dress from her store. This becomes a vice and he begins to photocopy more and more money, until it gets out of control. However, things begin to go wrong when he discovers that photocopying is not the only way to make money. Written and directed by Jorge Furtado, this romantic comedy received the 2004 Cinema Brazil Grand Prize Award in several categories, including Best Picture, Best Director and Best Actor. The film also stars Luana Piovane and Pedro Cardoso. (From Brazil, in Portuguese, with English subtitles) (2003) WS

Enjoy! [Netflix Link]

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

When I was in the US, I picked up a DVD called "The Best of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog" as an impulse purchase for $10. I finally got around to watching it recently. Man, it is one of the funnest videos I have seen in a very, very long time. Best $10 I ever spent. Seriously folks, you have to buy it. The guy gets away with murder.

I have to warn you that this is NOT for kids!

Also, and this is important, most of the best stuff is buried in the extra features. For some reason there is actually more content on the extra stuff (called "More Poop" and "Even more poop" on the title screen).

In particular, watch the segment where Triumph goes to Honolulu to make fun of the people auditioning for American Idol. He ends up getting kicked out by security (for real!) and goes to the local Honolulu NBC affiliate to hide out. The NBC station decides to let Triumph be their guest weatherman that day. Oh man.... the anchors just loose it.

Rent it. Buy it. Steal it. Whatever. You can't miss this gem!

Beer Goggles Test

Guys. Before you decided to head over to the local pub, check out this web site and see if you can tell the difference between shemales and real women. If you can't tell the difference, then you might wake up to a terrible surprise.

Shemale or Female? A Photo Quiz.

It's Valentines... and I'm in love!

It is Valentines here down under... the worst day of the year for me. It is a no-win situation for men. If you are in a relationship, then your worth depends on how much you are willing to be screwed over by the local rose merchant. Your girlfriend will notice how many more roses a co-worker got compared to her. If you aren't in a relationship, then all the stores and ads make you feel like a looser.

I hate Valentines... if you can't tell. Lets call it what is really is; "Emotional Extortion Day".

But, since it Valentines, and I LOVE my bacon and egg breakfast sandwiches, I decided that I must show my love by having one for breakfast. Despite the fact that I'm in a diet trying to loose the weight I gained eating all that yummy Mexican food back in the US. Next door to where I work is a little breakfast/lunch cafe run by this Palestinian guy. He knows my weakness. I walk in and *voila*, there sitting in front of me is a perfect egg and bacon sandwich with American yellow mustard and tomatoes.... just the way I like it. The bastard even extends me credit when I forget to bring money. Grrrrrr.

I think I have the logic of an addict.

My ex-housemate, Engineer Katie, send me this lovely Valentines poem today. I love it. She claims to have gotten it from the Washington Post... whatever. But thank you Katie! Enjoy!

************************
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss.
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.*

(* "Pissed" is Australian for drunk, not "angry" as used in the US.)

************************
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.

*************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.

*************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.

***************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.

***************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace.
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

****************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

****************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

****************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

******************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

******************************
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell".

*******************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

What doesn't this business do?

I saw a little news article on CNN about a tanning salon on Missouri that as busted for having hidden video camera in the changing room. What I found funny was the third paragraph from then end that described what the business did.

The business, Butler Pool and Spa, is a payday loan, tanning salon, tax preparation, and pool and spa store, police said. (emphisis is mine)

Wow. Their Yellow Pages ad must be confusing. I'd bet I could get my car's oil changed there too.

Is the US becoming like the Soviet Union?

Man. I can't help but feel that the US is becoming more like the old Soviet Union every day. Two recent examples scare the hell out of me.

---

First, the news that Bush wants to be able to tap all conversations, in order to "protect us". Yes, I want the government reading all my emails, noting what I read, and listening in on my conversations, without due cause.

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Second, and this one that blows me away. The US has a highly respected department with some of the best minds on the planet working on all sorts of advanced problems. This department is called NASA. Bush appointed a 24 year old college dropout, who's only credential is that he worked on the 2004 election campaign, to decide what NASA gets to say publicly.

George C. Deutsch, it turns out, lied on his resume by claiming he had a degree in journalism from Texas A&M. He resigned his NASA yesterday after being busted by a real Texas A&M grad and Rhodes Scholar studying science in Oxford University.

Deutsch claims his job at NASA was only to make George Bush "Look Good". In other words, NASA had to toe the party line. George C. Deutsch didn't like what a senior NASA scientist was saying about global warming. This senior environment scientists didn't want to toe the party line, so George C. Deutsch threatened him with "trouble".

Deutsch also tried to twist NASA public statements to make sure they supported the idea of the religious right's "Intelligent Design". He demanded that the words "Big Bang" always be called the "Big Bang Theory", presumably to lower to the level of the "Intelligent Design Theory".

Gee. Doesn't this sound like the old Soviet Union Party Minders, or the Nazi Gestapo? They stick some totally unqualified, brainwashed, punk kid in NASA to control what NASA is allowed to say?!? They didn't even bother to verify the so-called 'facts' on his resume?

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Third... the new Attorney General of the DOJ is going on "fishing expeditions" looking for porn on the Internet. They are demanding the Google turn over records of what Americans are looking for on the Internet. It seems like Bush has heard a rumour that there are naked women on the net, and that must be stopped!

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So is that were we are at now? The government is listening in on our private conversations, and sticking political Gestapo henchmen into the institutions to control their speech? Damn.... I thought we won the Cold War. I guess I was wrong.

al-Qaeda plot to crash a jet into LA tower

In today's news I read that President Bush has decided to release some details of a thwarted attack on the US after September 11, 2001. He claims that an attack by al-Qaeda was thwarted. In this attack, young southeast Asian men would take over a commercial airline by blasting open the cockpit door with explosive shoes. Then they would take over and crash the plane into a Los Angeles skyscraper.

I know that Bush is pretty proud of this accomplishment, a prevention of another September 11 style attack. But I can't help but think that he is taking more credit than he should, because this plot is simply ridiculous.

The first part of the plot, getting suicide bombers onboard with explosive shoes, is frightening enough, and could have been accomplished. I will give credit for stopping that crime.

This plot was to take place in October 2001, after Sept. 11, and before Richard Reid, the British "Shoe Bomber", was caught in his failed attempt to blow up a jet over the Atlantic in December 2001. So airlines were not checking shoes at that time.

But after that, the plot get silly.

First, blowing up a cockpit door with just enough force to allow entry, but not enough force to damage the aircraft to the point where control is lost, is a fine science. Did these terrorist practice on all sorts of cockpit doors to find the exact formula for the proper placement and composition of explosives in different environments to achieve this exacting result? No. Blowing up anything INSIDE of an aircraft is pretty foolish and most likely to cause far more serious problems than it could possibly solve. A good crowbar would be a much better tool for this task.

More than likely, they would have simply blow up the cockpit, ripped a hole in the fuselage, and crashed the aircraft then and there. They would have never had a chance to gain control to perform a kamikaze run into a building, a la, Sept. 11.

Second, even if they did manage to somehow get to the cockpit door and attempt to gain access, they would have had to murder every single passenger on the plane, including the pilots, to do this. The September 11 terrorist forever destroyed the airplane hijacking business as the world knew it.

Before Sept. 11, hijackers were given the benefit of the doubt, and were assumed that they didn't want to kill their hostages and themselves. The protocol was for the passengers to remain calm and seated, and most likely they would survive. Now, the passengers have to assume that they are going to be killed unless they act.

So anyone who hijacks an aircraft now has to go way out of their way to convince the passengers that they should not rip him to pieces on the spot. Trying to gain access past the cockpit door means all bets are off, and the passengers have no choice but to fight him to the death. God knows I would never allow a hijacker to get past me to the cockpit as long as I still had a breath in my body. I think most people feel the same way.

The Mohammed Drawings Fiasco

Man.... I am so disgusted with humanity right now. This whole Mohammed Drawing crises is so stooooopid it falls off the scale.

First off, the whole thing is a staged by the rulers-that-be in Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Syria in order to distract their teeming masses from paying attention to the real news. The real news being (a) for Iran, the nuclear issues, (b) for Saudi Arabia, the fact that they can't run the haij in Mecca without killing hundreds of people, (c) and for Syria, the fact that they have been caught red-handed murdering Lebanese politicians.

The evidence is clear. These drawing were printed in a small Danish newspaper in September 2005. It is now Feb 2006, four months later. Why the delayed reaction? Simple. No one noticed, and no one cared, until it came to attention of some Middle Eastern dictatorships as a great propaganda idea.

A group of Danish "Imans" toured the Middle East recently trying to whip up anti-Danish and anti-Western sentiment by showing the drawings around to Islamic leaders there. But being unable to find drawings provocative enough, they decided to add a few new, and very inflammatory drawings. Then they claimed they too were printed (they were not). Read it about the fake drawings they added HERE.

It was also discovered this week that all these drawings were printed in a major Egyptian newspaper back in October 2005, and NO ONE COMPLAINED. Read about it HERE So the whole "you aren't allowed to show images of the prophet" argument is BS. Why are these idiots not rioting at the Egyptian embassy?

Syria has had serious riots and damage to embassies. Now Syria is a country where you can't even take a dump without the secret police knowing. So how was it that a "spontaneous" riot was allowed to happen, and the police were unable to protect the embassies? Because it was all part of the script. That is why.

The Middle Eastern newspapers run horrible cartoons of The Jews and Americans all the time. Talk about a double standard. Is their religion so weak and thin skinned that a dozen drawings on a tiny country in the northeast corner of Europe can ruin it? Please.

And why didn't all the Muslims apologize to the world's Buddhist when the Taliban blew up the ancient statues in Afghanistan because they were deemed to be un-Islamic?

There is an old saying.... "The first casualty of war is the truth". Since the leaders of Islam had decided to sacrifice any resemblance of the truth in the incident, I can't help but think that they have declared war on the values we in the West hold most sacred.

s.f.w.

No... not "Safe For Work". It stands for "Stupid F**king World". It is the blog of an anonymous frustrated ad copyrighter in Dallas who drinks too much, smokes too much, and hates his job. The guy comes up with some good stuff, like this post that I love!

True Love Is Blind (And Deaf And Mentally Retarded)

The other night, I asked my girlfriend if she would still love me if I got in a horrible fiery accident and they had to replace my face with my butt.

She said no.

Bitch.

Kitten War!

I normally try to refrain from linking to silly stuff. But I can't resist this one. Sorry!

For those who thought they knew everything..

Here is a refresher course.

• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times.
• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
• Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
• The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
• The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
• Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you!)
• Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
• Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
• The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man."
• Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
• PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
• The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.
• A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
• And the best for last.....
  Turtles can breathe through their butts.
  (I know some people like that, don't YOU?)

Hat tip to SAS Andrew. Thanks bud.